well this week has sure been not good for blog posting. i mean, it is getting done. but its been weak.

i had such a wonderful night tonight with my friends. i guess this week has been a good social week for me. as much as it kills me to have erik move, i had an absolutely amazing time at his going away party. also, tonight we had a RIC reunion at dave and busters in providence. i just got back, and let me tell you i had a wonderful evening. it feels so good to be out, having an excellent time, with such awesome people.

i think this post is semi-illegal in the scheme of my 30 posts in 30 days project. technically in eastern time, it is 2:29am. but, because i am such a daredevil... i am going to go as far as changing the time in my blog to make this count. i'm not trying to be a rule breaker or anything, but to me, it still feels as if it is friday evening. and plus, its only 11:30pm on friday, november 14th, 2008 in california. if i were to talk to my friend mike in CA while typing this right now, it would be 11:30 for one of us. i feel guilty and just at the same time.

anyway, enough explaining. that's one thing i need to work on. when i feel bad/guilty/etc about something, i feel the need to explain, explain, explain and explain. usually the excessive amount of explanation and detail ends up making it all worse. i need to just take responsibility and not explain myself. i always have justified reasons, and it shouldn't make a difference what my reasons mean to anyone else if they sit well with me.

wow, extremely off topic. i guess i've been in a slight hibernation mood lately. i know i complain about missing my friends and wishing i were more social. i think once i get used to it all though, i tend to stay to myself.... come home from work, read a book, clean my house, blog, read, etc. that i forget about putting myself out there and spending time with people, even if i'm not 100% up to it. lately, i haven't been in the mood to go out at all, but every single time i do, i have an amazing time.

i love and miss my college friends. i think i am at that weird period after college where the excitement of graduating is gone, the glitz of being a "professional" is fading, and i am just missing the more carefree days of college life. i think that all sounds so funny, because i remember in college how hard i thought my life was. now, don't get me wrong. i pushed myself way harder than i should have. i was a double major/ double minor who worked 32 hours a week as a psych. case manager and still manages to date (barely) and maintain a good social life. it was tough to pull that all off, but at least i had so many different options. for example...

one reason i like the idea of teaching college is that i think i would enjoy teaching with different semesters. i like the idea that the group of kids i would teach would constantly change, the subject material we would cover would vary and so on and so forth. i, as a student, always loved picking out my classes for the next semester. i guess i just like starting fresh. when you work at the same place 40+ hours a week, it gets dull. there is always different work in and out of the office, but nothing changes.

and then, you go home after work, and do what? when i lived in the dorms, it was nice to have so many options. for example, i could have a long day, where i worked 8 hours, and then went to two classes, but afterward, i could go watch tv with a friend down the hall, have a drink with a friend off campus, hang out at the front desk with my friends, or whatever else i wanted to do.

i don't have that option anymore. when i come home after work, i pretty much just come home. i eat dinner within a half an hour of being home usually, sometimes i do some cleaning, sometimes some reading or online stuff and other times i zone out in front of the tv. thats boring when you do it all alone. even my dog doesn't want to hang out with me all evening! haha.

i guess i am just adjusting. don't get me wrong. i do like solitude. i definitely need days where i just come home from work and lay down with a good book and no one bothers me. but for the most part, i've been missing all the good parts of being a social butterfly. i miss the conversations, the atmosphere... all of it. i guess my feelings are pretty contradictory. i like the "9 to 5" lifestyle. i'm so glad that i dont have to work a mix of first and second shifts anymore. i am so glad i only work monday to friday. (well technically i have been working 7 days a week. i've been working saturdays and sundays at "the crazy place", but thats my own choice... i don't have to work weekends). i wouldn't change any of that. at the same time though, i miss having classes which sometimes didn't start until 12 pm, and then maybe working a half a day after the class, eating dinner with a large group of friends, hanging out in a friends room, visiting another friend, or whatever else i chose.

i guess it will all play out the way it should.

life this year has sure been one very large lesson. i don't think i'm finished learning yet. i think maybe one of the lessons i'm learning this year is how to just be, watch life unfold around me and accept whatever comes my way.

sounds easy, but it isn't. especially for me. i like to convince myself that i have the ability to control things in my life. sure, i have control over what clothes i put on in the morning, how i treat people, what i eat, whom i am friends with and other stuff. but in the grand scheme of things, i can't control what happens around me. i can't make others happy unless they chose to be so. i can't make someone love me if they don't, etc. its not always easy to remember this. its not always easy to understand just how this all unfolds. but it sure is interesting.

what a weird age.

i thought i had life all figured out, and then here it came and knocked me over while i was making other plans. i just i should have expected that since i had things all figured out.

anyway. i'm learning i can't plan my future. one day at a time, but i'm learning none the less. times like tonight when i hang out with my wonderful friends, i realize how precious the present is. its always been tough for me to live in the present. i feel as if i spent a very long time living in the past, and some points just got stuck planning the future. when you waste your time like that though, you never quite realize just how good your present really is. i spent a lot of time tonight thinking about the past, about college, about how i used to spend every single day with these people, and how much i missed them. and then i caught myself. i was living in the past again! but this time i realized how much i didn't appreciate my time with them in school. and i was actually able to put those bittersweet thoughts of happy times, and the sad nostalgia of missing those times out of my mind and just enjoy the night. and i did. i know some amazing people, and i am so blessed to have them spend their time with me.

its amazing what we can learn from each other. and its amazing to think about how much some people love you, even if their daily presence isn't as visible as it once was.