“This post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and readers!”

i've decided to do this months 20 something blog carnival, and the theme is looking back.
i actually really like this theme. what you are supposed to do is go back to the beginning... when i was an itty bitty little blogger in the blogging world. then pick a post from the first two months of blogging that kind of showcases who you were when you started out.

here are the specifics.

now i had a hell of a time reading all my previous entries! they were really good. i surprised myself with all the things i talked about. but i picked one specific entry about being face to face with The Ex. the reason i picked this is because most of my early entries were about me processing my break up and who i wanted to be as a single person.

here goes:
this is a link to the original post.

here is a copy of that post:

surprise, surprise...
If it’s a broken part, replace it, but if it’s a broken arm then brace it. If it’s a broken heart then face it. — Jason Mraz, Details in the Fabric

i guess i don't like surprises as much as i thought i did. today i was surprised (a.k.a. ambushed as sarah calls it) by The Ex.

i was not prepared for this at all.

it was a tough day at work. i was feeling stressed. there was a knock at my door, followed by a familiar hello. i turned around quickly smiled, and said hello right back. nothing felt strange about that situation, i mean. i've seen that face and heard his voice at my door many times before when we worked together. so after i said hello, i just turned right back around and looked at my computer...

that is until my brain cells processed the information and pieced everything together. The Ex, like the real live person, was standing just a few feet behind me.what a strange sensation that is. piecing that information together, but not quickly enough to think about it and figure out how to feel about it all. i feel so baffled and confused about this whole experience. i wish there were someone out there who could tell me what the "right" way to feel about this whole experience would be.

i really surprised myself today. like i said, i didn't have enough time once i realized who exactly was at my door to process anything, so my actions were either instinct or emotion. can't tell.

at first, i was happy to see him.

yep, i said it.we talked for a while. he updated me on his friends and family's lives. i updated him on my friends and family. he talked work. i talked work. he asked me how my life was going. i told him stupid stories. i should have just kept my mouth shut and let him wonder. i asked him all about his life. from what i understand, his life is going nicely as well. we both discussed how it was really nice to see each other.

(and it was. in a weird way. he was my best friend, my closest confidant for a long time. he knew all of my thoughts- trust me. he let me blab and blab. he went through my medical scares with me. i went through his step-father's death with him. i trusted him. i believed in him, and i believed in us. i'm not trying to idealize anything here. looking backward, we had a bad relationship. we cared deeply for each other and were excellent friends, but he never truly wanted to be with me. he enjoyed my company, and i'm sure he enjoyed the fact that i wore my heart on my sleeve for him, but his heart was elsewhere and he never took us seriously. anyway, he was an important person in my life. so yes, it was wonderful to see his face. i even felt sad that we couldn't be better friends. but life is life, and that cannot nor should not be.)

so as "nice" as it was to see him, it was equally just as awful. i thought it was quite humorous that he told me everything going on in his and his friends and family's lives, yet he failed to mention that his new girlfriend is quite the unclassy person who assisted in the downfall of our empire. that pissed me off. he is a good guy, and i do understand why he came to see me. but how DARE you come to see me, look me in the eye, and not be man enough to tell me the truth. that says alot about so many things if you ask me. he should have enough respect for me to be honest, knowing that i either already knew or would soon find out. and at the very same time. if he had any respect for his relationship, he either should have not visited me at all or been a man and told me about her.

then i started just thinking about all of this on my way home from work (he came right as i was leaving for lunch). the more i thought the more pissed off i was. a lot of it was just immature thoughts, i can admit that. but i was still angry. i was angry that i didn't make myself look better. i was angry that i told him stupid stories. i was angry that i sat there and listened to every word that came out of his mouth. i was so angry at him for lying to me. i mean, come on, you start dating your ex within a month or two after a breakup which she played a major role in??? seems to me i probably believed a lot more than i should have this summer.

most of all, i think i was just more upset about his actual physical presence. i mean, seriously. i handled that breakup like a pro. i was actually HAPPY just a few days out of it. i never would have thought that would be possible while we were together. but the point is. i made him disappear. i tossed all the pictures and the sentimental junk you save in a relationship. there was nothing of him left anywhere in my life. besides the occasional digital picture i'd find on my myspace or actual computer... he didn't exist. and as wrong as that might have been. it sure as hell was working.

and then he shows up to prove to me that not only is he real, but the factually that all of that drama happened exists. and that the person i believed would never hurt or lie to me absolutely did. and didn't have the gall enough to be honest about it. thats one of the things i loved about The Ex. i thought he was always so honest. you don't find that in many people now a days. even friends. people sugar coat things and give you answers they think you want to hear instead of just the reality. i don't want to be fed bullshit. i'm a much better bullshit artist than many of you out there, so the fact that we actually happened was just a slap in the face and a reminder that i was fed bullshit and believed every second of it. not as smart as i thought i was i guess.

now i just sound bitter. thats not the little erin i want to portray right now.i'm angry; i'm sad. i'm disappointed and hurt. i feel betrayed, and at the same time i felt glad to see him. i'm mad at myself for feeling all of those things.

a few of my friends gave me a hard time about why i didn't rip him a new asshole and tell him to leave. but you know what. i am damn proud of myself. because that isn't me. it never was me, and i doubt it will become me. i stayed true to myself throughout this whole experience. my only fault was believing something i doubted in the first place.

what would yelling at him and asking him about his new girlfriend have done for that situation? i mean, it sure as hell wouldn't have made me feel better. it would have started a mess which would have had to be cleaned up, opened old wounds and soured any pleasant memories or feelings we have for the other.

i did what i thought was right. i was glad to see him, and he was glad to see me. so we had the best conversation we were able to have, hugged, and then parted ways. it was civil; it was kind. it was the right decision.

i just hope these jumbled feelings go away. i don't want to feel bitter anymore.

so, in my learning quite a bit about blogging today, i have come to find out that 20something has a blog carnival every month. its similar to nablopomo, but from my very limited knowledge of the 20SB carnival, it appears to be just one post on the same topic everyone else is writing about.

here is the december 2008 20something blog carnival info:
It is time for the December Blog Carnival and we want to hear from you! So, choose your topic and submit your post for the Holiday Carnival by December 21.
You can choose any of the following three topics:
- A wishlist of things you want that are free
- A wishlist of 5 items, one for each sense (that's an item for sight, one for smell, etc)
- A wishlist of things you would sneak under the tree for yourself, age 13

interesting.... i'm having a very hard time choosing between #1 and #2. i think i am going to pick number #2 now, because i think i would have to put a little more thought into this one. if i get a chance though, i will write another post on #1.

here goes:

smell.... many of my memories are attached to smells and sounds. i love how stephan smells when i hug him. its comforting. he's been a constant in my life, and his shoulder is definitely a place my head has rested. i love when you walk into an ice cream parlor and there are waffle cones baking. salt water will forever be a scent which will follow me through life. i grew up on the shore. i can't imagine what its like to live in a place where the ocean isn't a half hour away. right now, i wish i could get a fresh waffle cone with stephan and then hug him at the beach. haha. its been a long time since i've seen my best friend.

sight....i wish that everyone in the world could participate in dialogue in the dark. it was the most amazing experience of my life. heck, i wish i could do it again. it was so empowering not to have my vision. being able to see is something highly value. i rely on contacts or glasses, so "perfect" vision is something i have always wanted. this experience really made me question what "perfect" vision really is. i'll tell you, i could see a lot more clearly when i was blind. i just wish others could have this experience as well.

touch....this one is easy for me. i wish i were able to pet/hug my dog khiva who passed away in october of 2007. i still think about her all the time. my family lucked out majorly with having such a wonderful pet. but she was more than that. she was a member of our family. everything about her is familiar. she used to hug people by putting her arms over your shoulders. or, when she got older, she would just nuzzle her head on your shoulder. i miss her snout. i used to always kiss it. i'd give anything to have her, even for a few minutes, to be in my presence so i could touch her.

sound....this one is corny. i don't like sleeping alone. don't get me wrong, i've got the cutest little dog who actually likes to hog the bed. but, its very different than sharing your sleeping space with another human you love. mostly, i miss hearing someone breathe near my ear when we are all cuddled up. i miss the funny sounds you hear when someone is active in the dream or when a person talks in their sleep, but in some funny made up language. shoot, i even miss snoring sometimes. but very, very quiet snoring. its the breathing i miss most though. The Ex always fell asleep first, so most of the time, his breathing was what lulled my overacting mind to sleep. i'm not ready for a relationship, but i sure as hell wouldn't mind cuddling and falling asleep with someone.

taste.... my wishes: floris apple from the taphouse; a blended mocha coconut from elliots/fairgrounds; oysters and the pasta of the day from shucks; sweet tea from the chick-fil-A on independence right near my old apartment; the fondue of the day from crackers; warm, fresh out of the oven, glazed donuts from krispy creme; banana ice cream from somerset creamery; lobster from any place at any time on any day; the awesome champagne from amy's mom's wedding. the apples in an apple pie. any food or drink if i were surrounded by some of my great friends i haven't seen in a while.