i've decided not to do nablopoma for the month of december. 1. because i already missed the first of the month 2. because while i may be one of the most grateful people in the world- i've been all over the place with my thoughts/feelings. i just can't promise to write about THANKS on a daily basis.

(disclaimer: i am so utterly thankful for everything and everyone in my life. i'm pretty cranky right now, so i'm just not feeling the whole positive vibe.)

this is probably for the best. i am still going to try and write as often as possible. i don't want to use this as an excuse to stop writing. all i need is an excuse. and there is none. so i still plan on trying to get as much in here as possible. plus, december is such a busy month for me, i'm sure i will have loads to share.

i feel very "ugh" today. there is no good way to explain it. at some points i felt sad, other times angry. there were moments when my brain was all over the place, and there were times where i was stuck on the same thought for too long. i think i'm just spreading myself too thin lately. i want to be everywhere with everyone doing everything. i just don't know what direction to turn at what time.

i got an email from the professor i wrote to about the graduate literary nonfiction class i wanted to take. i should be excited about it all, but it just makes me nervous. i went to michaela's house today to brainstorm essay ideas for one of her english classes. i'm not going to lie, it was pretty exciting. i get all worked up about geeky english papers. at the same time, i can't even begin to explain how stupid i felt. nothing would roll off my tongue. i'd try to explain an idea to mic, and none of it made sense. i'm sure somewhere in my head there was some meaning i know would be helpful... but yeah, i wasn't helpful. i just sounded like a bumbling idiot. its a shame i tell people i have degrees in english and communications, because it seems pretty obvious they aren't doing anything to help me (or michaela for that matter). while mic was writing her paper, i spent some time reading her english textbooks. that was pretty exciting.

i don't know about you, but when i read, occasionally there will be a phrase, or even a word, which just jumps out at me and leads my brain in a different direction.

you know what word drove me crazy tonight? vulnerable. that is such a good word. such a great definition...

i'm sure my mood probably accentuated my interest in this word tonight. vulnerability really is a powerful thing, isn't it? maybe my whole problem is that i have spent my entire life trying to avoid being vulnerable. i'm not really into this whole vulnerability feeling. its too open.

i'm (slightly) open. what i think is interesting is that i allow myself to be open and trust others... but i don't allow myself to feel vulnerable. i don't put myself out there. don't get me wrong. i am a strong woman. there is absolutely nothing which i cannot handle. i've been tried and tested, and i can promise you i will end up on top. but just being strong isn't what i'm aiming for. i've been "Strong" for quite some time.

today was probably the first time in a long time i actually felt kind of sad. (i should probably be happy about this) i was angry last week. but angry and sad are two very different emotions. ha, you know what? i'm kind of pissed off too. but enough about the emotions. lets talk facts.

do you think that a person gets to a point where they allow themselves to be vulnerable, yet are comfortable doing so? hell, if anyone has any ideas on this subject, please do inform me. i'm just not sure i could be both comfortable and vulnerable at the same time.

you know how i feel, if i could attempt to quickly find a word to describe it? exhausted. with everything.

i've been really happy lately. and that's super wonderful. i can't even begin to describe how grateful i am for that. i had a horrendous first half of the year, so coming back strong after july really is important to me. but i honestly think my happiness might mask being exhausted at times. i just feel exhausted with work (every single day), pleasing my friends and family, attempting to date even though i have absolutely no "game", my education (or lack there of), motivation, determination, laziness, endless amounts of laundry, pretending to be a writer.

exhausted with it all. i'm going to end this post before i start sounding like an ass who spends her early morning hours complaining. and before i say any more which would make me "vulnerable!"

peace out, boy scout.