seriously...i have an update.

• there has just been so much going on. no time to focus. not time to update my dear blog. i have been keeping track of my grace in small things project, as well as my 101 in 1001 project, and i PROMISE by the end of the weekend everything will be completely uploaded and updated.
• my muscles hurt.
• i spent quite some time today at work researching what type of illnesses i may or may not have. if you've been reading my blog (or know me in real life...) you know i have a love/hate relationship with my body. i'm either feeling pretty good or feeling like a hot mess. and no one is quite sure what is wrong with me. but i'd say in the past 2-3 months i have been feeling pretty well.
• fast-forward to this past week... i'm not so healthy any more. i'm pretty convinced my skin is MUCH worse than it was last year when i went for my annual full body scan. i have a lump in my neck which has been there since march. and i honestly think i am losing a lot of hair. i shed a lot, but this is more than usual.
• but the whole wedmd experience today- that was just a moment of hypochondria.
• i've got two pretty major things i want to talk about but i'm not sure what i should or shouldn't say...

• i will tell you one of the two things..... I AM APPLYING TO GRADUATE SCHOOL... and may even possible be able to start this upcoming semester!
• i'm also taking a grad class at Brown University
• and to top it all off......

• i'm SERIOUSLY thinking of switching to WordPress.... and soon. i signed up for an account and have just been poking around and so far, i think i like it.
• i think i want to change over, and i honestly think i want to do it soon
• i don't really know what i want.

but in all seriousness... would y'all mind sending me your email addresses? i think if i switch over, i am considering not linking this blog to that one... i don't know... maybe i'll just keep them linked. what do you think i should do???

anyway, new email address for the blog.

erinuncensored @ gmail.com

pretty darn creative, huh?

will you please tell me what to do?

today's gratefulness can be summed up with:

one. spending a whopping amount of time at applebees with my classmates last night
two. a full night of sleep. damn it's been a long time since i've had one of those.
three. my nephew's giggles.
four. my doctor appts. today and tomorrow
five. the two great papers i started reading today.

gist # 48

today i am most grateful for:

1. getting great grades on both of my papers in my first graduate level class
2. getting positive feedback on my paper today
3. getting critiqued on my paper today
4. reading all the critique letters after class.
5. great conversation with a woman in class who is totally convinced i should get started on a novel. she is such a motivator!

... for these grace in small things posts, especially since i am doing them every single day, and will continue to do so for another 351 days!

okay so i have seriously slacked on my grace in small things entries. my last one was on 2/23/09. i was planning on just jumping right back in and starting again at number 12... but then my conscious was nagging me. i'm glad i posted 11 g.i.s.t.'s, but one of the reasons i joined, (besides waging the war against embitterment) was to help my complete #66 on my 101 in 1001 list. and number 66 says that i will write at least one thing i am grateful for every day for 365 days. so if i jumped right back in, it wouldn't be fair to my list, and the list is something i am trying to work very hard on. so i decided, i've got some time... lets begin again. so here we are folks, at the starting point. welcome back to a blog that not only entertains you, but suffocates you with gratitude :)

grace number one...
1. getting an a- on my first real graduate paper!
2. having such a warm response about my paper from my classmates during my workshop critique.
3. meeting my favorite author and having her autograph her new book for me!
4. jessica f, ash muslim, christin j, cornmuffin and michaela who all had birthdays this week!
5. agendas and lists, cause its the only way i can keep my monkey mind in check.

dearest blog friends,

i'm so sorry for being a bad reader and writer. i spent my free time at work this weekend going over every single post in my reader! (why didn't i just hit mark as read?...j/k) anyway, thank you so much for being patient with me. school and life basically kicked my ass this week. but i am back and better then ever. plus, i think i will have at least a few fun posts to share.

until tomorrow,

your friend erin

1. clorox disinfecting wipes.
2. watching my niece learn how to do yoga.
3. clean shelves at work
4. contacting the director of the APB Secondary Ed. program to learn more about it.
5. the fact that i'm going to my first celtics game next month

there are a few things i need to get out of my head and off my chest. i guess thats why i've been missing the past week or so. i've been busy, but i think i have just been avoiding talking about everything mostly.

don't let me be a drama queen. there is nothing earth shattering happening in my life. i just feel blah-ish. i think i just made up my own word right there.

on the positive side, i finally went and registered and paid for the graduate class i was accepted in this week. class starts next tuesday. that is so exciting and wonderful and amazing.

but i'm scared to death.

i haven't been a student in two years. i haven't written anything of quality in two years.... and now i am taking a grad writing workshop? what if i can't preform? what if my writing skills got lost between my move to va and back? maybe they fell off the roof of my car in maryland or something (is this a good enough excuse to use later on if my writing really is horrendous?) i'm worried that i am not going to be able to do it.

but i guess i just have to keep truckin' on and try my hardest to make this work. try my hardest to be positive, not negative. try my hardest to write. try my hardest not to worry about writing. and then try my hardest to apply to graduate school.

the subject of my graduate class is actually a good transition to the next thing that is bothering me.

i hate my job. yes, it is true.

i'm just so miserable at work every day. i feel like i work so hard, and i am so unappreciated. don't get me wrong. i don't need anyone to pat me on the back and tell me how great i'm doing. i'm way past that, and positive it isn't going to happen. the problem is... nothing i could do is ever good enough. i am working my ass off. i've taken on other people's tasks. everyday i help my coworkers do their stuff because everyone is completely overworked. the truth is, there are only three of us... and that is not enough. the dynamic changed alot this year and its tough to move with the changes. i feel like i'm trying as hard as i can to keep up, but i don't even think i can try anymore. even before all the changes though, i was at the point where i needed a change. i'm working in a field which for the most part, i don't enjoy. the problem is, i love the company, and i love most of the employees. so it was a great place to be. now, i think i'm just over it. i guess i could compare it to a relationship that isn't working at all, but the partners just ignore it and ignore it and end up ruining whatever positive is left.

i'm miserable at my job. and i hate admitting it more than anything. like i said, i feel loyalty to the company. i've worked there for quite some time; i guess you could say i "grew up" there. so i feel bad wanting to leave. i feel like i should try harder to make it work.

i just don't think that is possible. and i have no ambition to apply for jobs. oh, writing cover letters is awful....and i have a degree in communications!!! i wrote a hell of a lot of cover letters in college. i know how to do it damn well. i just hate doing it. and i hate looking for jobs. plus, are there even any jobs out there?

i know everyone says you can't be picky in today's economy... but why would i leave a place i like to go somewhere worse? doesn't make sense! but my question is... does that mean i am supposed to stay in a job i really dislike? one that leaves me feeling worn out and miserable when i get home? (any help on this would actually be very much appreciated.)

all this job stuff makes me so mad, because i have so many great professional and educational skills. why can't the right job come to me? why can't it find me?

(also, why can't prince charming come knock on my door and then we can live happily ever after. i'm sick of having to "go out" to meet men. there are no good men around me. prince charming, please come get me!)

speaking of princes, lets talk about men who appear to be something, when they really are not. The Ex strikes again. well, not really. just information about The Ex. he and his (formerly known as the) ex-girlfriend are moving in together. and they are in love. and their life is perfect.

just wonderful.

when The Ex and i first started dating, there was this inside joke about whose life would fall into place if we ever were to break up. i know- sounds weird. ever watch the movie good luck chuck? well, its kind of like that. both of our dating histories were that once a breakup took place, our old significant others would end up finding their "true love." so we used to wonder which one of us would hit the jackpot if our relationship were to end. now, my bet was that we weren't going to break up. who knows what his bet was. but ladies and gentleman.....The Ex finally got his happily ever after.

that irritates and saddens me.

i don't feel like talking about those two anymore. maybe i will finish this story later, but now i'm just getting mad, and i don't want to waste my energy on them right now.

i feel pretty low energy lately. i know most people feel low energy in the winter. i know that. i would just rather feel strong and motivated and ready for action. instead, i feel like i should be doing a lot of laying down under an electric blanket, waiting for prince charming to show up.....with ice cream. i sound like an old maid.

we've got a new president. thank you little baby jesus in your little baby manger. i was so proud to be an american while watching the inauguration. it was just an amazing moment of history that i am so glad to be a part of.

no one came to my monologue show to see me preform. i haven't been on stage and not one of my friends came. well, actually let me take that back. a family friend saw my status on facebook and actually drove 40 minutes to come see my show. someone i don't talk to often at all actually took time out of her busy schedule because she "was so excited to see me preform again," but no one else. my parents almost didn't come. they didn't want to drive to where it was being held. it only takes a half hour to get there...but, i can't complain. i mean they did actually show up. i have mixed feelings about this. part of me doesn't even care. it was nice to have something which was my thing, but it still hurt to watch all of the performers have someone to talk to after the show. while i stood there, literally in the center of the room, with no guests. maybe that is why i bought so many books.

i'm sorry for wasting all of your time with a boring post where all i did was complain. like i said, i just feel pretty blah.

p.s. oh, and grey's anatomy. you're still doing a pretty good job of making a girl utterly miserable. can't you let a girl grieve? i'm not over denny dying, and then you had to bring him back and flaunt him all up in my face. now, all of a sudden, he just *poof* is gone? you've got to be kidding me. don't get me wrong, its captured my attention. but i love denny. i love everything about him. and now he has to leave me AGAIN! not cool grey's. not cool!

okay y'all, so i am about to complete my very first meme. although i still feel as if i haven't been given a definition i fully comprehend. i get the gist of it. but i'm still dying for a definition that "clicks." while reading meghan's blog the other day, i noticed she filled out a meme. i guess if you want to fill one out yourself, you leave a comment, and the person whose meme you are commenting on emails you five questions specific to you. make sense?

i figured what the hell! i might as well fill one out. and in knew meghan would give me some good questions so here goes:


1.) As a new blogger what drew you to blogging and what do you hope to get out of it?
i've always wanted to check out blogging, but my hesitance to put myself out there was what stopped me. i've been looking for an outlet to start writing again; my creativity was completely dried out- i couldn't even think of ideas to start writing about. one morning at work, i stumbled across the story of the nielson family, and began reading the nie nie dialogues and cjane regularly. i fell in love with that family, and i think feeling an attachment to the story, i began reaching out and reading other blogs. i read for a little while before i started writing myself. i think the timing helped quite a bit as well. i was at the point where i had a lot to say, and it was stuck in my head. but i was sooo frustrated from all my over thinking. i needed to get it out. it started out as a conversation with myself i guess. then it began to make me trust my writing again. slowly, but surely, i feel as if my creative juices are coming back. i still haven't written anything creatively. all i've written has been posted on this blog, but that's okay. i've registered for a CW graduate class at the local university this spring. i think right now, this blog is just a catalyst, a motivator. and thats what i need it to be for the time being. shoot, it even motivated me to start my own 101 in 1001. so all good is coming from this endeavor.


2.) After admitting you have a crush on Obama ( who doesn't!), if he were single and asked you on a date where would you go and what would you do?
this is a tough question. my original answer was: go paintballing, eat at an ethiopian restaurant which was just recommended to me and then go sailing. but the more i thought of it, the more i decided it was lame. i mean, i would be going on a date with the president of the united states, he's got endless resources to make this one eventful night. so here is my new date: we would take air force one to italy, where we would go to my friend mimo's mother's house and assist in making one authentic italian family dinner. from there, we'd hop back on the plane and play some board games. like scattegories or pictionary. ones which are light, still make you think, but also make you act silly. anyway, we would be en route to cuba, where would drink a mojito or two together while walking on the beach. we would then hope back on the plane and head back to the DC area, except we would go to norfolk, va. to the taphouse in ghent, specifically. this way, i could introduce him to my friends, and rylo could play and we could dance. well, i would dance. he didn't have to. he could hang out with my friends there. that way, later on, they would give me their opinion on him...because their opinions are majorly important...president or not. after this, then we'd hope back on the plane. i'd fall asleep, because i can sleep almost anywhere. he'd come over and cuddle with me a little, and then the plane would drop my off in my backyard. oh, and yes, he would kiss me goodnight. but thats it you folks with dirty minds!


3.) If you had to choose between being a student or a teacher for the rest of your life, which would you choose?
i would absolutely 100% choose being a teacher, especially if i could teach college. as a professor, you are constantly learning from your students...about all subjects. plus, there are no deadlines, no tests. especially in writing... when you take workshop classes, a lot of times the teacher does some assignments so that she can get student's creative juices flowing. the great thing about this is that you can get feedback for your work, but don't have to worry about what is due and when!

4.) You relate your friends to characters off Sex and the City; which character are you?
surprisingly, this was the toughest question for me to answer. even harder than my obama date, which i changed a thousand times before i figured, whatever i'd just leave it because i'd never be 100% satisfied. i think the best way to go about doing this would be to analyze why i am not like certain characters.
samantha and i probably have the least in common. she has a sex appeal and confidence i am utterly jealous of. she is also pretty promiscuous. which i am not.
charlotte would be next. she is too naive, and too "wholesome." that, and she worries too much about others opinions and what looks best socially. i've got the worrying part down, but in my opinion who gives a shit what people think of me.miranda and i differ because she is not very emotionally attached. i am very emotionally attached. she tends to be very rational in her decisions. i'm very rational, i just just make emotional decisions.
and carrie, well. i've never had my aidan. i deserve an aidan, someone wonderful and bursting with good and love to want to take care of me. but that dream boat has yet to sail on by. i also don't have a fantastic writing job like she does. ugh, still jealous. that, and i think carrie is sometimes a little riskier than i am. not in a bad way, she just has slightly more courage, especially when it comes to dating.
now, similarities...
samatha in the sense of trying to get the party started and getting everyone together to have a good time. plus we both work in PR to a degree.
charlotte and i are both hopeless romantics, even though i am 100% more bitter and realistic than she is. i'm like her in the sense that i really want the perfect marriage, the healthy children, the picket fence, etc. i want a story book ending for myself and my friends.
miranda and i share the honesty gene. and we can come across as bitches for being truthful and realistic.
i guess i can sum up number 4 by saying i am most like carrie (although, i am sure 98% of the people you asked this question to would have the same answer as me.) we both are writers. we both had a love affair with cigarettes. we both kicked them to the curve. we're both too open; we both had a Mr. Big. the only difference is she was meant with hers, i thankfully wasn't. i just think we think similarly, and every word written for her has gone through my head at one point in time. i was hoping to come up with a bit more interesting answer to this question, sorry!

5.) Any New Years resolutions you've made and care to share?
well. i've got mixed feelings about new year's resolutions. i used to try to stick with them pretty hardcore, but i'd always fail in some way or another, so i try to make them a little more loose now a days.
i think there are a few key things i would like to bring into 2009 with me
1. accept and embrace change. don't fight it, just find a way to make it work for me
2. grow, grow, grow. this is the time in my life i'm supposed to figure out who i am. i'm not married yet and i don't have kids, so its the perfect opportunity for me to try new things. to go out of my comfort zone and figure out who i am.
3. be true to myself. i'm a very good judge of character, and i have beyond excellent intuition. i'm so fortunate for those traits, but it appears one of my faults has proven to be making excuses for people i love, because i don't want to accept the truth and get hurt. i've made too many excuses for others thoughts/actions/behaviours. i deserve the absolute best, there should be no excuses when it comes to this.
4. work on self confidence. my brain knows i am one unbelievable person. i just want my heart to catch up.
5.push myself to stay motivated and achieve what i aim for. i spent 2008 complaining about what was missing in my life, but until the fall, i didn't do anything to go out and get it. i want to constantly go out and get it in 2009.

so, if you want to fill out a meme like this, just send a comment my way, and i'll send you 5 questions of your very own!!!!

random thoughts i figured i'd share. what the hell, right? ;)

i think i have a crush on the next president of the united states. its true. i've got a little thing for obama. he's just got this approachable sense about him. don't get me wrong, he is good looking, but i think my crush stems from how he "appears," not his "appearance." he just looks like someone i would love to talk to. i usually develop crushes on guys i think are really interesting.

i'm not the type of person who really likes things. i am, however, the type of person who loves things. there are a lot of people who claim to really like carrot cake or scented candles or baseball hats. that wouldn't be me. i either like something or i love something. for example... i like green beans. i've got nothing against them; you make me a meal with greens beans, and sure, i'll eat them. this being said, i love pea pods. i've got such a thing for them. sometimes i sit and try to think of creative ways to incorporate pea pods into more meals. seeing as i don't regularly cook for myself, the combinations i've come up with so far would be quite gross. pea pods in spaghetti. ugh. pea pods in eggs, pancakes, etc. ugh. pea pods in apple pie. double ugh. i do make a mean stir fry, but pea pods belong in a stir fry, so that doesn't even count! anyone have any pea pod suggestions for me?

anyway, i love pumpkin coffee. i love traditions. i love being a student. i love getting surprise presents for my friends. i love helping strangers do simple things. i love red sox baseball caps. i own probably at least 10, and i do not plan ever stopping purchasing them. i love to travel. i love lists. i love new people. i love hearing stories about people's lives.

i have liked the jason mraz song "i'm yours" since 2005. wait, actually i have loved the song since then. now everyone in the world is slightly obsessed with it, and that bothers me.

i am almost at 100 blog posts. that number may sound pathetic to some of you seasoned bloggers, but i am pretty darn excited about it.

other things i love: record players, driving in my car with good music on so loud that i cannot think about anything other than driving, singing and dancing, ice cream, SUVs, hot southern men in pickup trucks, accents.

i need to get over my anxiety about being picked up. i'm a little lady, so i feel as if a lot of guys feel intrigued with picking me up while hugging me. the theory of being picked up while being hugged, i loovvvveeeee. when it actually happens, i get nervous. i think i actually kind of push all my weight down, so i can get back to solid ground faster. i'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this all started cause at one time i probably thought i was too "chubby" to be picked up. the older i get the more irrational i realize that ever was. i've always been a thin girl. don't get me wrong, i'm no bikini model...but i am very petite, so while at times i may have had a few extra pounds where they didn't belong, i certainly wouldn't be hard to pick up. shit, Lauren, the S in our SATC trys to pick me up every time she sees me! i don't even let her ;) now, before i postes a mini video of ryan gosling and rachael mcadams (or whatever their names are) in a "pick-up make out session." that example is a reason why i feel as if i need to give up my fear of being picked up. i don't really know what point i am making right now. i guess i just need to fight my urge to flee when i am picked up and embrace it. i guess i'll let you know how that goes!

i think anyone whose last name begins with the letters A-M have received my holiday cards. for those poor suckers in the N-Z category. i'm sorry. they have been written out since 12/7, i believe. but are currently just sitting on my desk in a pile (which i look at every day) because i've yet to get more postage. i'm thinking you'll receive them by mid-january at latest.

today is blog day. or at least i say it is. because of the endless amounts of snow falling from the sky, i only had to work until noon. so i came home with all intentions of taking an afternoon nap, and instead it appears i've spent a large portion of the day snuggled in my bed, with my dog, reading blogs. some are blogs i've subscribed to for a while, others are brand new ones i find by way of nablopomo or 20something bloggers. i've also learned that i need to start making a presence on these two sites if i ever want to make it in this blogging world. i still feel so new to blogging. i feel like every time i feel comfortable on here, something new comes along, and i feel lost again (well, that and i feel as if no one, except wonderful christine, actually reads my blog).

anyway, i really enjoyed my time in blogworld today. i've got quite a few thoughts about it too.

1. i love mommy blogs. looooovvvveeeeee them! when i was on my google reader today, i realized that probably 1/2 of the people i am subscribed to are moms. moms who blog alot about being a mom. quick refresher: i have no kids. so i find this funny.

2. where are all the men bloggers? especially 20something men bloggers? i recently started reading diamondkt who always keeps me entertained. but where are the rest of you? i didn't realize that i only read one male blog. now i feel like i'm being prejudice. also, i wonder if this says something about 20something bloggers...we need to hear more of a man's voice.

3. i also re-read some of my blog. when i ended november's nablopomo, i wasn't too proud of my posts. now that i've had some distance from posting everyday, i realize... i actually like a lot of what i wrote. i have a pretty decent voice if i do say so myself. am i always interesting? no. is what i write going to change society? absolutely not on this blog. but it gets some thoughts out of my head (which i have learned is VERY important), and it also give me a reason to practice regularity with writing.

4. today, i've learned there is something called the "blog carnival' on 20SB. super cool. you better believe i'm going to get started on that in like 37 seconds.

5. i realize that blogging every single day is important to me. it is not easy. but i have a tendency to do things half-ass or take the easy way out. don't get me wrong, i'm a hard worker and i value striving for things, but usually i take on more than i can chew and end up with a half assed result. this being said... some of my posts in november could have been as simple as a quote i liked, because i couldn't think of anything to write... but it was still a post. it kept my brain sharp, and i felt dedicated. this all being said. in january, i will absolutely be doing nablopomo. i'm really excited about this, and i can't wait to find out what the theme will be.

6. i love "new" things. specifically fresh starts. i loveeeeeeeeeeee january 1st. everything about it is great. its the beginning of a new year, you can start fresh with a new calendar, a new agenda. plus, i have this weird belief in odd years (2005, 2007, 2009...). i feel like my life is always better when my age is an even number, but the year is an odd year. (i know, i know... that makes no sense at all, just let me believe it) so come january, this little lady gets to start over. the majority of 2008 was hell for me. life started to get better in august. everything took a lot of effort (everything still takes a lot of effort), but its beautiful to see your hard work pay off. i like myself a whole lot more now than i did the first half of this year. i'm no award winning apple pie, but i am a damn good slice. i'm getting there.

(i love apple pie)

7. i tried to think about what month was the best month for me in 2008. i pick november. january through july would never make the cut. august was good because i felt free, but i felt like everything was one big fuzz. there were so many choices. september wasn't what i hoped it would be. at this very second when i think of september, all i can think of is my jaw problems, and how my TMJ ruined my entire birthday weekend. wait, lets rephrase... my TMJ ruined the entire first two weeks of the month. december has been okay. its been a pretty introspective month, let me tell you. but not bad. i like this whole thinking about big things, but not feeling bad phase. i'm finally coming to terms and being friends with my thoughts again. that's a perfect end to the year. october was a pretty close front runner for the best month. i mean, i spent almost two weeks with elizabeth and chris in atlanta. now, if we were trying to figure out what the best week of the year was... it would absolutely be when i was in the ATL with my best friends (the best day of the year was the day my nephew was born). but in october, i nearly went insane with working too hard.

so, dear november, what should i say about you? quick sum up. in november, i took a lot of chances. i put myself out there to make new friends, to actually trust someone and be vulnerable. i put in the effort to get into a graduate level class. and i put myself out there, and asked my friend kevin if i could be in his monologue show. i learned to enjoy spending some time alone. i put myself out there and reached out to friends, old and new, to make plans and stick with them. this brought on a few amazing nights out. i flirted boldly. i'm still damn proud of that. i don't know. i just feel like it was a month without (too much) drama- a month where i was happy most of the time. so, thank you november.

8. i guess #7 got me on a rant. now i want to post the months in order of best to worst. i'm going to leave december out of this list, because i've still got 10+ days to go, and who knows what will happen in that amount of time!

november: best
october
september
august
march
may
june
july
april
january
february- worst

9. i love comments. please talk to me. make me feel like i'm not alone on this page.

10. the title of my blog is "there and back again." i liked the idea of the name right when i thought it, but compared to my past... its so fitting for a few chapters of my life. there have been a couple of situations where it seems i am right back in a place i once was. even though i never expected to be back there. i wonder if that happens to me "accidentally" or whether its a subconscious thing. i wonder why i keep going back. i think it means i'm not done learning something.

that's it today, folks. for all the new people who might notice i am "following" them, i really enjoyed reading your blogs. keep up the hard work.

things seem to be going very well for me this week. but yet, i still feel the need to complain. ha. i'm starting to wonder if this is a major character flaw of mine, or just simply human nature.

i don't really have enough time to get into explaining my last post where i teased y'all with my good news. i'm sorry. i fell off the blogging bandwagon and i need to get right back on track. but synopsis again: i got accepted into a grad class. i had a monologue written specifically for me... which means, i will be acting again. those two facts are enough to be the star on top of my christmas tree, lol. i've wanted to be an actress again and a grad. student for quite some time, so i should just be walking on clouds right now.

and i am. oh, you better believe i am.

but, i'm still disappointed with a situation which played out in a way i really didn't expect it would. its really not fair of me to talk about it, without really explaining it all. i just don't want to get into details. its tough not knowing who is actually reading my blog. it makes me want to only disclose a certain amount of information. thats silly actually. one of the reasons i started this blog was that i wanted to get comfortable with "nonfiction" ha. i mean- i wanted to feel comfortable with honesty regardless of who may be reading. i spent a good portion of this year sharing what i thought other people wanted to hear, therefore, not sharing a lot of my "truth." i guess it all goes back to my previous post on the word "vulnerable." many people have "public" persona's. not because they are trying to be nefarious or shady. just because they are who they feel they are expected to be. a lot of the time, i just don't share everything because i don't want to hurt another person or embarrass myself.

but i am getting away from my point.

i'm disappointed in a person who i really respect and admire. this person is a new person in my life, so while i don't actually know this person as well as some of my other friends, i feel like we really "clicked." i'm disappointed because the person is pretty nonexistent lately- and the absenteeism is pretty obvious. i'm not disappointed per say that this person isn't around. i'm more disappointed because of the way they disappeared. vanished. i think this person is a stand up person, so the hiding really bothers me, because this person is above that. i guess it bothers me most because i haven't trusted many people in a long time. and i felt, and oddly still feel, like i trust this person. so i'm a little angry. but mostly, i'm really hurt.

oh, well. what can you do? do i think i'll never talk to this person again? no. i'm sure i will. i know i'm even being more dramatic about this situation than i should. again, i'm mainly upset because i put my full faith in a person who didn't think would let me down. i'm sure things will work themselves out.

i should probably stop complaining. life is good. i've got my brother and my best friends birthday parties to attend tonight. so i need to get going.

jude is doing much better. i was able to pick him up from the hospital today!

i am (technically) a grad student!

i also had a monolgue written specifically for me! i'm an actress again too!

i know this is a tease, but i need to get going. i'll write more later.

don't worry... i'm still here.

here... just feeling quiet this week.

updates: i've been emailing a teacher from the local university about taking a graduate level literary nonfiction class this coming semester. i actually didn't think i would be able to take the class, because you need to be a matriculated student to register. i guess i've got someone pulling for me out there, because I'M IN!!!! you heard that right. i am officially a (non-matriculated) GRADUATE STUDENT!!!! i've been waiting to say that since the beginning of my senior year in college. and quite some time has passed since then.

so, i'm excited. i'm also apprehensive. but, more excited than apprehensive.

jude, my 2004 saturn vue, is quite sick. he's in the car hospital right now as i type. and i miss him. that's my man. he's my homeboy. we have ultimate dance parties together. he hears me sing more than anyone (anything) else. apparently, when he was born, he was given a "special function," called a VTi. aka variable transmission with intelligence. don't get me wrong, jude's one smarty pants. for whatever reason, saturn felt the need to make him just "that much" smarter.

turns out, just like in people, too much intelligence stunts you in other ways. in jude, his VTi apparently malfunctions. all saturn vues from 2003-2005 seem to have this hidden fault. it became such a problem that GM decided to completely stop making VTi transmission. there was a huge canadian class action suit about this. supposedly one is starting in california and illinois as well. maybe i will move there. i'm just not sure jude would actually make it past state lines at this point. (did i mention that i purchased my car in may of this year? i'll do the math for you... i've owned it for just a little more than 6 months

and anytime you feel the pain, hey jude, refrain, don't carry the world upon your shoulders.

i miss my man.

well, folks. its getting late. i'm going to go back to being quiet now.

i've decided not to do nablopoma for the month of december. 1. because i already missed the first of the month 2. because while i may be one of the most grateful people in the world- i've been all over the place with my thoughts/feelings. i just can't promise to write about THANKS on a daily basis.

(disclaimer: i am so utterly thankful for everything and everyone in my life. i'm pretty cranky right now, so i'm just not feeling the whole positive vibe.)

this is probably for the best. i am still going to try and write as often as possible. i don't want to use this as an excuse to stop writing. all i need is an excuse. and there is none. so i still plan on trying to get as much in here as possible. plus, december is such a busy month for me, i'm sure i will have loads to share.

i feel very "ugh" today. there is no good way to explain it. at some points i felt sad, other times angry. there were moments when my brain was all over the place, and there were times where i was stuck on the same thought for too long. i think i'm just spreading myself too thin lately. i want to be everywhere with everyone doing everything. i just don't know what direction to turn at what time.

i got an email from the professor i wrote to about the graduate literary nonfiction class i wanted to take. i should be excited about it all, but it just makes me nervous. i went to michaela's house today to brainstorm essay ideas for one of her english classes. i'm not going to lie, it was pretty exciting. i get all worked up about geeky english papers. at the same time, i can't even begin to explain how stupid i felt. nothing would roll off my tongue. i'd try to explain an idea to mic, and none of it made sense. i'm sure somewhere in my head there was some meaning i know would be helpful... but yeah, i wasn't helpful. i just sounded like a bumbling idiot. its a shame i tell people i have degrees in english and communications, because it seems pretty obvious they aren't doing anything to help me (or michaela for that matter). while mic was writing her paper, i spent some time reading her english textbooks. that was pretty exciting.

i don't know about you, but when i read, occasionally there will be a phrase, or even a word, which just jumps out at me and leads my brain in a different direction.

you know what word drove me crazy tonight? vulnerable. that is such a good word. such a great definition...

i'm sure my mood probably accentuated my interest in this word tonight. vulnerability really is a powerful thing, isn't it? maybe my whole problem is that i have spent my entire life trying to avoid being vulnerable. i'm not really into this whole vulnerability feeling. its too open.

i'm (slightly) open. what i think is interesting is that i allow myself to be open and trust others... but i don't allow myself to feel vulnerable. i don't put myself out there. don't get me wrong. i am a strong woman. there is absolutely nothing which i cannot handle. i've been tried and tested, and i can promise you i will end up on top. but just being strong isn't what i'm aiming for. i've been "Strong" for quite some time.

today was probably the first time in a long time i actually felt kind of sad. (i should probably be happy about this) i was angry last week. but angry and sad are two very different emotions. ha, you know what? i'm kind of pissed off too. but enough about the emotions. lets talk facts.

do you think that a person gets to a point where they allow themselves to be vulnerable, yet are comfortable doing so? hell, if anyone has any ideas on this subject, please do inform me. i'm just not sure i could be both comfortable and vulnerable at the same time.

you know how i feel, if i could attempt to quickly find a word to describe it? exhausted. with everything.

i've been really happy lately. and that's super wonderful. i can't even begin to describe how grateful i am for that. i had a horrendous first half of the year, so coming back strong after july really is important to me. but i honestly think my happiness might mask being exhausted at times. i just feel exhausted with work (every single day), pleasing my friends and family, attempting to date even though i have absolutely no "game", my education (or lack there of), motivation, determination, laziness, endless amounts of laundry, pretending to be a writer.

exhausted with it all. i'm going to end this post before i start sounding like an ass who spends her early morning hours complaining. and before i say any more which would make me "vulnerable!"

peace out, boy scout.

"i write so that my handful of pebbles, cast daily into still waters, will produce a ripple. " —anne schroeder

i'm pissed off. i almost deleted my entire blog. instead i blocked it.
then i decided i would just get a new blog. so i did.
then i missed this blog.
so i erased that blog.
stared at this one for a little while.
redecorated it (because that always makes me feel better).

so i sat and thought about what i wanted to do. what the best decision would be for a gal in my situation.

it appears as if some people close to me do not like the fact that i am blogging. they are worried about me. worried that a crazy person, who will have all of my information once they read this, will pop in my life and do rotten things to me, i guess. in the conversation as to why the blog thing "isn't a good idea," the question was also raised: "well, what if your friends and family don't want you to write about them. what if they don't want their lives written about on your blog." i think this is a very valid question. i also think this is a large reason as to why people aren't so fond of my blogging. this question is something i have discussed at great lengths in college writing classes. the role of the reader, who is also the subject. i'm too aggravated to write more about this, and unfortunately, couldn't find the quote i wanted to include... so i am just including some randoms which stood out to me.

"If you love to write, then write. Don't let your goal be having a novel published, let your goal be enjoying your stories. However, if you finish your story and you want to share it, be brave about it. Don't doubt your story's appeal. If you are a good reader, and you know what is interesting, and your story is interesting to you, then trust in that. If I would have realized that the stories in my head would be as intriguing to others as they were to me, I would probably have started writing sooner. Believe in your own taste." -stephenie meyer

"it's not just the books under fire now that worry me. it is the books that will never be written. the books that will never be read. and all due to the fear of censorship. as always, young readers will be the real losers." -judy blume

"A writer is a person who cares what words mean, what they say, how they say it. Writers know words are their way towards truth and freedom, and so they use them with care, with thought, with fear, with delight. By using words well they strengthen their souls. Story-tellers and poets spend their lives learning that skill and art of using words well. And their words make the souls of their readers stronger, brighter, deeper." — Ursula K. Le Guin

"A good writer refuses to be socialized. He insists on his own version of things, his own consciousness. And by doing so he draws the reader’s eye from its usual groove into a new way of seeing." -bill barich

"We are important and our lives are important, magnificent really, and their details are worthy to be recorded. This is how writers must think, this is how we must sit down with pen in hand. We were here; we are human beings; this is how we lived. Let it be known, the earth passed before us. Our details are important. Otherwise, if they are not, we can drop a bomb and it doesn't matter. . . Recording the details of our lives is a stance against bombs with their mass ability to kill, against too much speed and efficiency. A writer must say yes to life, to all of life: the water glasses, the Kemp's half-and-half, the ketchup on the counter. It is not a writer's task to say, "It is dumb to live in a small town or to eat in a café when you can eat macrobiotic at home." Our task is to say a holy yes to the real things of our life as they exist – the real truth of who we are: several pounds overweight, the gray, cold street outside, the Christmas tinsel in the showcase, the Jewish writer in the orange booth across from her blond friend who has black children. We must become writers who accept things as they are, come to love the details, and step forward with a yes on our lips so there can be no more noes in the world, noes that invalidate life and stop these details from continuing." -natalie goldberg

""Trust in what you love, continue to do it, and it will take you where you need to go.”" -natalie goldberg

"Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise." — Lewis Carroll

things i happen to be thinking about/things i remember thinking about during the day:

1. today i emailed most of my friends and family the web address of this blog. i didn't want anyone to know what i was doing, cause i wasn't sure if i would actually keep up with it, but so far, so good. i'll be honest, this "sharing" makes me nervous. those who know me understand that i am a very honest person. my truthfulness is a great characteristic, but absolutely does get me in trouble. a lot of times people do not want to hear what i say. i'm blunt. i'm actually trying to work on that. i want to be able to be completely honest with someone- even if what i am saying is hard to hear- but i want to learn how to do it without making people upset with me. i guess maybe thats why i am worried to share this blog with my friends and family. i don't want to upset anyone. at the same time, i also do not want people to think differently about me because of what they may read. but you know what? i am what i am. really, it is that simple. the people who are reading this have surely seen their ups and downs with me, and i do know that they will love me regardless of whatever i say or do.... i just hope i don't offend anyone. maybe i should put up some "caution" tape.

(disclaimer: read at your own risk! some material not appropriate for all viewing audiences)

but you know, if i plan on going to get a graduate degree in creative non-fiction, then i sure as hell need to get over my fear of having people read what i write.

2. i have been thinking about change lately. actually, i have been thinking about change quite a bit. maybe that is because i have been doing so much of it this year. do you think it is possible for someone to change? i do. but at the same time, i wonder to what degree people can change.
i think sometimes people don't change simply because they do not allow themselves to change. i for one understand just how scary change can be. but i really feel bad for people who don't put the effort into change just because they don't want to experience the good and bad of it all. i think also, people do not change because there are certain "expectations" of them. i know this one first hand. now, this is my own hang up. i can be whomever i want- but its hard to make others understand that the expectations they may have had at one point, do not line up with whom you are today.

3. i have an appointment for a deep tissue massage next friday. ohhhhh, its going to be so good. i desperately need a massage. in fact, i think i need a weekly massage for a good few months until my body feels relaxed. i love massages. its a damn shame fenway doesn't know how to give a massage. that damn dog never has to do anything in this house. she ought to work for her rent somehow, and she sure as hell isn't doing any cooking or cleaning.

4. it has come to my attention that i make quite a few very expressive faces when i converse. and that i cover my mouth with my hand almost regularly while eating.

5. i love to hug and kiss people. loovvvveeeeeeee it. thank god holly taught me how to hug. sounds silly? well it isn't. i guess i wasn't a good hugger. i was a self conscious hugger. so holly taught me how to be a whole hearted hugger. and i am beyond grateful that she taught me that. because hugging is one of my absolute favorite things to do. now, i get upset when people don't give me a real hug. and i guarantee you've all heard- "wait, i'm not done hugging you yet!" before. but you know what makes me so self conscious? when guys pick me up when they hug me. i don't know why, but it ruins the hug mood for me. i like to be hugged; i like to be picked up. but the combination of the two make me nervous. hell, maybe i need someone to teach me how to hug with my feet off the ground. i'd ask you hol, seeing as you are such a hug pro, but (no offense) i don't think you are strong enough. lol. i'll save you some back strain.

6. i've already gotten responses from my "the secrets out; i've got a blog" email. so far, the responses aren't all as pretty as i hoped. i've been informed that having a blog isn't the best idea, because if i ever were to interview for a job, they could possibly see my blog and that its dangerous to put myself out there. i knew this would happen, but still. i was hoping to hear, "wow, you're the best blogger in the world, even if you've only been at it for a month or so." OR "erin, i am in love with your writing style, my family member/friend/mafia boss/whomever is in charge of graduate admissions at a university/college, and i've already shown him/her your blog. not only are they going to give you an honorary PhD, but they want to hire you as a writing teacher with a starting salary of 55.3 million dollars a year!" well, maybe not, but still. i appreciate all wise words of concern, but as of now, i am a blogger, and that isn't changing. i love you friends and family members!

7. i wonder why people do not compliment each other very often. i try to compliment at least one person a day. i think i started this "compliment project" early on in college, and since it has begun, i've gotten to the point that i don't even think about it any more, i just spew compliments regularly. i mean, it could be as simple as telling someone that the green shirt they are wearing looks great on them. you don't need to get all fancy with your compliments to please anyone. i think just getting a compliment at all is good enough. also, there is nothing more wonderful than an honest compliment, where you know the person saying it means what they say. i have been extremely fortunate to have been on the receiving end of quite a few compliments recently and i must say that it feels really nice. i'm also highly impressed with the choice of adjectives which have been used: "exceptional, stellar, rare and extraordinary" wow. impressed.

8. i am really tired. i require about 20 hours of sleep per day in order to function well. as long as i get about 7, i'll survive. it seems as if i have been getting no more than 5 a night lately, with a few nights being even less.

9. this is a note to all of the felons or lunatics who may possibly stumble across my blog. you might as well just stop looking now, because i really do not have the patience to deal with a lunatic now a days. seriously. it wouldn't entertain me to have a stalker either. plus, i betcha i've got some serious hidden anger issues, and i'd probably win if we got into a dangerous altercation. all i'm saying is that i would kick some serious felon ass. my blog does not want to be friends with anyone with malicious, disrespectful or psychotic interests. so scram.

(also- very important. if you are, or have been, one of my clients or students... you are SSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not allowed to be reading this. so stop. please. thank you)

10. i'm really warm right now, but i know the second i take my sweater off, and i'm wearing just my tee shirt, i am going to get cold. so i'm not taking my sweater off. and that is that.

11. i really do love to eat out. i think i thought about eating out quite a bit today. i should start writing the places i think about down, because whenever it comes time to actually go out and eat, i can never think of a place to go. but i've got all kinds of ideas today.

12. i really miss the emerson family. i don't want to be a selfish person, but i do believe my life is better when they are in it on a regular basis. so, i kind of want them to live near me, like ridiculously close to me. so i can hug them all the time. i love them.

13. it is only the middle of november, and i already miss the red sox.

14. i really want to go to sleep for the night, but it is only 8:36pm. i don't think people over the age of 1o and under the age of 90 are allowed to go to bed at 8:30pm. (unless they want to get made fun of) what to do, what to do?

15. okay, i'm going to watch the episode of grey's i missed last night, bring fenway to the bathroom and then pass out.

goodnight readers who consist of friends, family members and strangers who do not happen to be serial killers, rapists, lunatics, stalkers or anyone else who i's have to beat up.