there are a few things i need to get out of my head and off my chest. i guess thats why i've been missing the past week or so. i've been busy, but i think i have just been avoiding talking about everything mostly.

don't let me be a drama queen. there is nothing earth shattering happening in my life. i just feel blah-ish. i think i just made up my own word right there.

on the positive side, i finally went and registered and paid for the graduate class i was accepted in this week. class starts next tuesday. that is so exciting and wonderful and amazing.

but i'm scared to death.

i haven't been a student in two years. i haven't written anything of quality in two years.... and now i am taking a grad writing workshop? what if i can't preform? what if my writing skills got lost between my move to va and back? maybe they fell off the roof of my car in maryland or something (is this a good enough excuse to use later on if my writing really is horrendous?) i'm worried that i am not going to be able to do it.

but i guess i just have to keep truckin' on and try my hardest to make this work. try my hardest to be positive, not negative. try my hardest to write. try my hardest not to worry about writing. and then try my hardest to apply to graduate school.

the subject of my graduate class is actually a good transition to the next thing that is bothering me.

i hate my job. yes, it is true.

i'm just so miserable at work every day. i feel like i work so hard, and i am so unappreciated. don't get me wrong. i don't need anyone to pat me on the back and tell me how great i'm doing. i'm way past that, and positive it isn't going to happen. the problem is... nothing i could do is ever good enough. i am working my ass off. i've taken on other people's tasks. everyday i help my coworkers do their stuff because everyone is completely overworked. the truth is, there are only three of us... and that is not enough. the dynamic changed alot this year and its tough to move with the changes. i feel like i'm trying as hard as i can to keep up, but i don't even think i can try anymore. even before all the changes though, i was at the point where i needed a change. i'm working in a field which for the most part, i don't enjoy. the problem is, i love the company, and i love most of the employees. so it was a great place to be. now, i think i'm just over it. i guess i could compare it to a relationship that isn't working at all, but the partners just ignore it and ignore it and end up ruining whatever positive is left.

i'm miserable at my job. and i hate admitting it more than anything. like i said, i feel loyalty to the company. i've worked there for quite some time; i guess you could say i "grew up" there. so i feel bad wanting to leave. i feel like i should try harder to make it work.

i just don't think that is possible. and i have no ambition to apply for jobs. oh, writing cover letters is awful....and i have a degree in communications!!! i wrote a hell of a lot of cover letters in college. i know how to do it damn well. i just hate doing it. and i hate looking for jobs. plus, are there even any jobs out there?

i know everyone says you can't be picky in today's economy... but why would i leave a place i like to go somewhere worse? doesn't make sense! but my question is... does that mean i am supposed to stay in a job i really dislike? one that leaves me feeling worn out and miserable when i get home? (any help on this would actually be very much appreciated.)

all this job stuff makes me so mad, because i have so many great professional and educational skills. why can't the right job come to me? why can't it find me?

(also, why can't prince charming come knock on my door and then we can live happily ever after. i'm sick of having to "go out" to meet men. there are no good men around me. prince charming, please come get me!)

speaking of princes, lets talk about men who appear to be something, when they really are not. The Ex strikes again. well, not really. just information about The Ex. he and his (formerly known as the) ex-girlfriend are moving in together. and they are in love. and their life is perfect.

just wonderful.

when The Ex and i first started dating, there was this inside joke about whose life would fall into place if we ever were to break up. i know- sounds weird. ever watch the movie good luck chuck? well, its kind of like that. both of our dating histories were that once a breakup took place, our old significant others would end up finding their "true love." so we used to wonder which one of us would hit the jackpot if our relationship were to end. now, my bet was that we weren't going to break up. who knows what his bet was. but ladies and gentleman.....The Ex finally got his happily ever after.

that irritates and saddens me.

i don't feel like talking about those two anymore. maybe i will finish this story later, but now i'm just getting mad, and i don't want to waste my energy on them right now.

i feel pretty low energy lately. i know most people feel low energy in the winter. i know that. i would just rather feel strong and motivated and ready for action. instead, i feel like i should be doing a lot of laying down under an electric blanket, waiting for prince charming to show up.....with ice cream. i sound like an old maid.

we've got a new president. thank you little baby jesus in your little baby manger. i was so proud to be an american while watching the inauguration. it was just an amazing moment of history that i am so glad to be a part of.

no one came to my monologue show to see me preform. i haven't been on stage and not one of my friends came. well, actually let me take that back. a family friend saw my status on facebook and actually drove 40 minutes to come see my show. someone i don't talk to often at all actually took time out of her busy schedule because she "was so excited to see me preform again," but no one else. my parents almost didn't come. they didn't want to drive to where it was being held. it only takes a half hour to get there...but, i can't complain. i mean they did actually show up. i have mixed feelings about this. part of me doesn't even care. it was nice to have something which was my thing, but it still hurt to watch all of the performers have someone to talk to after the show. while i stood there, literally in the center of the room, with no guests. maybe that is why i bought so many books.

i'm sorry for wasting all of your time with a boring post where all i did was complain. like i said, i just feel pretty blah.

p.s. oh, and grey's anatomy. you're still doing a pretty good job of making a girl utterly miserable. can't you let a girl grieve? i'm not over denny dying, and then you had to bring him back and flaunt him all up in my face. now, all of a sudden, he just *poof* is gone? you've got to be kidding me. don't get me wrong, its captured my attention. but i love denny. i love everything about him. and now he has to leave me AGAIN! not cool grey's. not cool!