g.i.s.t. # 199
today i am extremely excited because....drum roll please...
i bought tickets to the ALDS...

but there are a lot of factors in this situation.

one, the red sox need to make it into the playoffs.
two, there needs to be a third game played at fenway park during the ALDS.
and then... if that is the case, then i will be attending a game at fenway park.

god, i love the post-season :)

grace #193
i'm crabby today.
my jaw really hurts.
today i'm grateful for my mom who really has been a "co-parent" of fenway since i moved back to the area. i'm glad she takes such good care of my dog, even if she feels the need to yell at me all the time for being such a bad dog owner. ugh. parents. but seriously. i'm glad i have her help.

grace one twenty four
today i went for a walk...

crazy isn't it? okay, well does it make a difference if i told you i went for a walk for about 45 minutes at 7am with my soon to be sister in law and fenway?

yeah, it happened. wow.

our goal is to walk mon-fri for about an hour every morning. we've decided to try and leave by 6:45am instead of 7, just to give us a little more time to get ready for our day once we get back home.

and it is almost 12am, and i am still awake.......without a nap.

okay i'm sure at this point y'all are thinking i am the laziest person in the world (which is semi-true) but my lack of exercise motivation comes from the fact that it is a lot harder for me to work out than the normal person because of my unknown autoimmune disease. we still haven't figured out what it is, but it majorly effects my joints. so i think i act lazy just so i don't have to feel the aftermath pain of a simple walk.

but so far, so good. i feel fine. and it is nice to spend some quite time with just us ladies.
me, my soon to be sister and my puppy.

1. convincing my neice that my mother's cat really did sign the valentine's day card he got her.
2. getting a handmade valentine's day "heart" (aka card) from my neice.
3. my neice being so upset that she forgot to make fenway a vday card. that's just too cute!
4. falling asleep at 7pm last night and not waking up until 10am this morning. i know that sounds a bit much, but i haven't been feeling well, and i needed it!
5. warm showers.

2008 in pictures...

the love of my life was born: my nephew

the view from room 438

trish asked me and amy to be bridesmaids

me and baby james went on a road trip to VA (mommy and daddy came too!)

my rylo guys in concert. miss y'all!

you're going to have to cut me some slack for the hair/outfit. i just got discharged from the ER and i had to break into my own totaled car!

ouch!

best game of my life! 4th row seats in section 41! perfecto!


i already have so many ATL pics on here, so i figured i'd just put one.

best experience of my life!

hey, don't blame me! this is what my bro and sister-in-law got fen for xmas!

this is what you have to deal with if you live in new england!

you might notice that there is a chunk of time cut out of this review... i simply just didn't want to include any pics of The Ex... you aren't missing too much.

it hasn't stopped snowing since about 2:15pm on friday. it is now 1:25am on sunday. supposedly we are going to get another 3-6inches in the am hours. coincidentally, this will occur right when i will be driving 45 minutes to work. oh, well. i guess i need to suck it up, it will be jude's first time driving in the snow (well, with me at least). i got jude because he had AWD. i'll be sure to report just how well he drives when the AWD is needed.

anyway. my dog fenway is deathly afraid of the snow. its so weird to me, because the ONLY reason i liked winter was because my old dog khiva looooovvvvveeeeeedddddd the snow. and i loved to watch her in the snow. fenway...she is a much different story. even with a jacket on, she shakes like she is having a sezuire. she also chokes herself willingly by pulling as hard as she can against the leash to get closer into the house.

so, when i brought her outside to go to the bathroom before she went to bed, i brought my camera. i've got a couple cute pictures...poor dog. i hope she doesn't hate me before the spring gets here. i think she and i are destined to be nomads. we should do winter in the south and summer up north.

what she's thinking right now is, "i can't believe she is making me do this. i hate my momma. how can i possibly get out of this situation?"

today is blog day. or at least i say it is. because of the endless amounts of snow falling from the sky, i only had to work until noon. so i came home with all intentions of taking an afternoon nap, and instead it appears i've spent a large portion of the day snuggled in my bed, with my dog, reading blogs. some are blogs i've subscribed to for a while, others are brand new ones i find by way of nablopomo or 20something bloggers. i've also learned that i need to start making a presence on these two sites if i ever want to make it in this blogging world. i still feel so new to blogging. i feel like every time i feel comfortable on here, something new comes along, and i feel lost again (well, that and i feel as if no one, except wonderful christine, actually reads my blog).

anyway, i really enjoyed my time in blogworld today. i've got quite a few thoughts about it too.

1. i love mommy blogs. looooovvvveeeeee them! when i was on my google reader today, i realized that probably 1/2 of the people i am subscribed to are moms. moms who blog alot about being a mom. quick refresher: i have no kids. so i find this funny.

2. where are all the men bloggers? especially 20something men bloggers? i recently started reading diamondkt who always keeps me entertained. but where are the rest of you? i didn't realize that i only read one male blog. now i feel like i'm being prejudice. also, i wonder if this says something about 20something bloggers...we need to hear more of a man's voice.

3. i also re-read some of my blog. when i ended november's nablopomo, i wasn't too proud of my posts. now that i've had some distance from posting everyday, i realize... i actually like a lot of what i wrote. i have a pretty decent voice if i do say so myself. am i always interesting? no. is what i write going to change society? absolutely not on this blog. but it gets some thoughts out of my head (which i have learned is VERY important), and it also give me a reason to practice regularity with writing.

4. today, i've learned there is something called the "blog carnival' on 20SB. super cool. you better believe i'm going to get started on that in like 37 seconds.

5. i realize that blogging every single day is important to me. it is not easy. but i have a tendency to do things half-ass or take the easy way out. don't get me wrong, i'm a hard worker and i value striving for things, but usually i take on more than i can chew and end up with a half assed result. this being said... some of my posts in november could have been as simple as a quote i liked, because i couldn't think of anything to write... but it was still a post. it kept my brain sharp, and i felt dedicated. this all being said. in january, i will absolutely be doing nablopomo. i'm really excited about this, and i can't wait to find out what the theme will be.

6. i love "new" things. specifically fresh starts. i loveeeeeeeeeeee january 1st. everything about it is great. its the beginning of a new year, you can start fresh with a new calendar, a new agenda. plus, i have this weird belief in odd years (2005, 2007, 2009...). i feel like my life is always better when my age is an even number, but the year is an odd year. (i know, i know... that makes no sense at all, just let me believe it) so come january, this little lady gets to start over. the majority of 2008 was hell for me. life started to get better in august. everything took a lot of effort (everything still takes a lot of effort), but its beautiful to see your hard work pay off. i like myself a whole lot more now than i did the first half of this year. i'm no award winning apple pie, but i am a damn good slice. i'm getting there.

(i love apple pie)

7. i tried to think about what month was the best month for me in 2008. i pick november. january through july would never make the cut. august was good because i felt free, but i felt like everything was one big fuzz. there were so many choices. september wasn't what i hoped it would be. at this very second when i think of september, all i can think of is my jaw problems, and how my TMJ ruined my entire birthday weekend. wait, lets rephrase... my TMJ ruined the entire first two weeks of the month. december has been okay. its been a pretty introspective month, let me tell you. but not bad. i like this whole thinking about big things, but not feeling bad phase. i'm finally coming to terms and being friends with my thoughts again. that's a perfect end to the year. october was a pretty close front runner for the best month. i mean, i spent almost two weeks with elizabeth and chris in atlanta. now, if we were trying to figure out what the best week of the year was... it would absolutely be when i was in the ATL with my best friends (the best day of the year was the day my nephew was born). but in october, i nearly went insane with working too hard.

so, dear november, what should i say about you? quick sum up. in november, i took a lot of chances. i put myself out there to make new friends, to actually trust someone and be vulnerable. i put in the effort to get into a graduate level class. and i put myself out there, and asked my friend kevin if i could be in his monologue show. i learned to enjoy spending some time alone. i put myself out there and reached out to friends, old and new, to make plans and stick with them. this brought on a few amazing nights out. i flirted boldly. i'm still damn proud of that. i don't know. i just feel like it was a month without (too much) drama- a month where i was happy most of the time. so, thank you november.

8. i guess #7 got me on a rant. now i want to post the months in order of best to worst. i'm going to leave december out of this list, because i've still got 10+ days to go, and who knows what will happen in that amount of time!

november: best
october
september
august
march
may
june
july
april
january
february- worst

9. i love comments. please talk to me. make me feel like i'm not alone on this page.

10. the title of my blog is "there and back again." i liked the idea of the name right when i thought it, but compared to my past... its so fitting for a few chapters of my life. there have been a couple of situations where it seems i am right back in a place i once was. even though i never expected to be back there. i wonder if that happens to me "accidentally" or whether its a subconscious thing. i wonder why i keep going back. i think it means i'm not done learning something.

that's it today, folks. for all the new people who might notice i am "following" them, i really enjoyed reading your blogs. keep up the hard work.

fenway is snoring. and i just love her too much to wake her up. its kind of cute actually.

things i happen to be thinking about/things i remember thinking about during the day:

1. today i emailed most of my friends and family the web address of this blog. i didn't want anyone to know what i was doing, cause i wasn't sure if i would actually keep up with it, but so far, so good. i'll be honest, this "sharing" makes me nervous. those who know me understand that i am a very honest person. my truthfulness is a great characteristic, but absolutely does get me in trouble. a lot of times people do not want to hear what i say. i'm blunt. i'm actually trying to work on that. i want to be able to be completely honest with someone- even if what i am saying is hard to hear- but i want to learn how to do it without making people upset with me. i guess maybe thats why i am worried to share this blog with my friends and family. i don't want to upset anyone. at the same time, i also do not want people to think differently about me because of what they may read. but you know what? i am what i am. really, it is that simple. the people who are reading this have surely seen their ups and downs with me, and i do know that they will love me regardless of whatever i say or do.... i just hope i don't offend anyone. maybe i should put up some "caution" tape.

(disclaimer: read at your own risk! some material not appropriate for all viewing audiences)

but you know, if i plan on going to get a graduate degree in creative non-fiction, then i sure as hell need to get over my fear of having people read what i write.

2. i have been thinking about change lately. actually, i have been thinking about change quite a bit. maybe that is because i have been doing so much of it this year. do you think it is possible for someone to change? i do. but at the same time, i wonder to what degree people can change.
i think sometimes people don't change simply because they do not allow themselves to change. i for one understand just how scary change can be. but i really feel bad for people who don't put the effort into change just because they don't want to experience the good and bad of it all. i think also, people do not change because there are certain "expectations" of them. i know this one first hand. now, this is my own hang up. i can be whomever i want- but its hard to make others understand that the expectations they may have had at one point, do not line up with whom you are today.

3. i have an appointment for a deep tissue massage next friday. ohhhhh, its going to be so good. i desperately need a massage. in fact, i think i need a weekly massage for a good few months until my body feels relaxed. i love massages. its a damn shame fenway doesn't know how to give a massage. that damn dog never has to do anything in this house. she ought to work for her rent somehow, and she sure as hell isn't doing any cooking or cleaning.

4. it has come to my attention that i make quite a few very expressive faces when i converse. and that i cover my mouth with my hand almost regularly while eating.

5. i love to hug and kiss people. loovvvveeeeeeee it. thank god holly taught me how to hug. sounds silly? well it isn't. i guess i wasn't a good hugger. i was a self conscious hugger. so holly taught me how to be a whole hearted hugger. and i am beyond grateful that she taught me that. because hugging is one of my absolute favorite things to do. now, i get upset when people don't give me a real hug. and i guarantee you've all heard- "wait, i'm not done hugging you yet!" before. but you know what makes me so self conscious? when guys pick me up when they hug me. i don't know why, but it ruins the hug mood for me. i like to be hugged; i like to be picked up. but the combination of the two make me nervous. hell, maybe i need someone to teach me how to hug with my feet off the ground. i'd ask you hol, seeing as you are such a hug pro, but (no offense) i don't think you are strong enough. lol. i'll save you some back strain.

6. i've already gotten responses from my "the secrets out; i've got a blog" email. so far, the responses aren't all as pretty as i hoped. i've been informed that having a blog isn't the best idea, because if i ever were to interview for a job, they could possibly see my blog and that its dangerous to put myself out there. i knew this would happen, but still. i was hoping to hear, "wow, you're the best blogger in the world, even if you've only been at it for a month or so." OR "erin, i am in love with your writing style, my family member/friend/mafia boss/whomever is in charge of graduate admissions at a university/college, and i've already shown him/her your blog. not only are they going to give you an honorary PhD, but they want to hire you as a writing teacher with a starting salary of 55.3 million dollars a year!" well, maybe not, but still. i appreciate all wise words of concern, but as of now, i am a blogger, and that isn't changing. i love you friends and family members!

7. i wonder why people do not compliment each other very often. i try to compliment at least one person a day. i think i started this "compliment project" early on in college, and since it has begun, i've gotten to the point that i don't even think about it any more, i just spew compliments regularly. i mean, it could be as simple as telling someone that the green shirt they are wearing looks great on them. you don't need to get all fancy with your compliments to please anyone. i think just getting a compliment at all is good enough. also, there is nothing more wonderful than an honest compliment, where you know the person saying it means what they say. i have been extremely fortunate to have been on the receiving end of quite a few compliments recently and i must say that it feels really nice. i'm also highly impressed with the choice of adjectives which have been used: "exceptional, stellar, rare and extraordinary" wow. impressed.

8. i am really tired. i require about 20 hours of sleep per day in order to function well. as long as i get about 7, i'll survive. it seems as if i have been getting no more than 5 a night lately, with a few nights being even less.

9. this is a note to all of the felons or lunatics who may possibly stumble across my blog. you might as well just stop looking now, because i really do not have the patience to deal with a lunatic now a days. seriously. it wouldn't entertain me to have a stalker either. plus, i betcha i've got some serious hidden anger issues, and i'd probably win if we got into a dangerous altercation. all i'm saying is that i would kick some serious felon ass. my blog does not want to be friends with anyone with malicious, disrespectful or psychotic interests. so scram.

(also- very important. if you are, or have been, one of my clients or students... you are SSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO not allowed to be reading this. so stop. please. thank you)

10. i'm really warm right now, but i know the second i take my sweater off, and i'm wearing just my tee shirt, i am going to get cold. so i'm not taking my sweater off. and that is that.

11. i really do love to eat out. i think i thought about eating out quite a bit today. i should start writing the places i think about down, because whenever it comes time to actually go out and eat, i can never think of a place to go. but i've got all kinds of ideas today.

12. i really miss the emerson family. i don't want to be a selfish person, but i do believe my life is better when they are in it on a regular basis. so, i kind of want them to live near me, like ridiculously close to me. so i can hug them all the time. i love them.

13. it is only the middle of november, and i already miss the red sox.

14. i really want to go to sleep for the night, but it is only 8:36pm. i don't think people over the age of 1o and under the age of 90 are allowed to go to bed at 8:30pm. (unless they want to get made fun of) what to do, what to do?

15. okay, i'm going to watch the episode of grey's i missed last night, bring fenway to the bathroom and then pass out.

goodnight readers who consist of friends, family members and strangers who do not happen to be serial killers, rapists, lunatics, stalkers or anyone else who i's have to beat up.

so it has come to my attention today that the blogs i posted on sunday, monday and tuesday did not post to my blog. i don't know why seeing as i did make sure to press "publish post" before i signed off, but i'm still pretty new to the blogging world, so i begged a fellow blogger to help me figure out what i did wrong and how to fix it.

from what i understand, the messages are still saved in my little edit area and i will be able to just post them as is. if that doesn't work, then i guess i just need to manipulate the date and it will post correctly? i'm at lunch right now, so i will get to business later on when i get home from work.

enough techno mumbo jumbo.

my mother was walking my dog this morning (thank you grammie, i couldn't do it without you. well, i could, and i have, but i've gotten quite used to not waking up at the ass crack of dawn with fen.) anyway, i guess today fenway was getting quite the smile from passersby because of her cute winter jacket.

(side note- fenwizzle is a mini itsy bitsy dog, and honestly shakes like she is having a seizure when we walk her in the winter, so don't judge the fact that she has her own clothing. don't get me wrong, i hate people who dress up there little dogs like every day is halloween, but this isn't the case. -although fenway does have a pearl collar- anyway, whenever i tell people i have a chihuahua/terrier mix they feel the need to chastise me for having a jacket for her. i'm oh soooo sick of hearing it. if it bothers you that much, put a leash on your neck, have someone walk you for a mile on all fours naked and then we can have this conversation. okay, done with that rant)

so, fenway is mini. she's got little legs just like her mama. so us little ladies with little legs need to take extra steps in order to keep up with you normal people. fenway is so cute on a walk. she gets this huge smile on her face, and walks like she has someplace to be. back to the reason i brought this up. my mother says today she thought fen reminded her of a geisha woman because of the little, yet graceful, steps she takes.

grammie really knows her stuff. now i feel as if i need to get fenway a jacket with asian print and tiny little shoes too small for her feet. she sure is hot like a geisha woman.

come to think of it, i don't think i've ever posted a picture of my little beauty on this page.

dear fenway,

i love you.
today you are four years old.
in two days, i will have been your mommy for two years and one month.
quite a bit has changed in our life, huh little lady?
we moved in with elizabeth, christopher and emmie the puppy in virginia.
then we moved back to mommy's home in massachusetts.
you had to learn what it was like to share mommy with her family dog, khiva.
and then, unexpectedly, we had to say goodbye to auntie khiva and uncle oliver the cat.
i miss khiva and oliver, and i can tell you do too.
but here we are- october 27, 2008.
it is your fourth birthday and tonight, we just celebrated with a special party just for you.
ally made you a special present.
after work i went to go get you some coffee puppy ice cream.
and then the party started.

so fenway, on your special day, i just wanted to let you know how happy i am to have you in my life and how very much i love you.
you make every day of my life just that much better.

love mommy

i should be writing! its my goal to write at least every other day. i've been pretty scatterbrained in the past few days. so this blog will probably an example of the mess of thoughts in my head.

first of all, i think the red sox deserve a little praise for their win last night! i forgot how much the october post season is damaging to my health! oh the anxiety and lack of sleep! on this i thrive!

i'm watching the presidential debate while i am typing this, and i have oh so many opinions. first of all, i am starting to get quite upset with both obama and mccain because neither of these men seem to understand that their answers are supposed to be one minute long. tom brokaw has already made numerous comments regarding limiting their answers to 60 seconds, but obviously neither of these very well educated men were ever taught how to count.

i will state that i am truly amazed at the memory of these men. they remember things such as each others voting history, etc. now, i obviously know that both these men have excessive staff members to fact check and prepare for these debates. irregardless, in situations such as this, regardless of how well a person speaks publicly, the stress level is very high, and there is no one there on the side of them feeding them the best possible answer. i am impressed with both candidates memory recall and have faith in the intelligence of both candidates.

i'm voting for obama. i'd like to set the record straight on that one once and for all. (although, i can't imagine writing anything which would lead you to believe i support mccain/palin... sorry mrs. emerson)

speaking of elizabeth, i'm still pretty shocked that we do not agree about anything political (for the most part). eliz and i are so close, agree on so many things, and have 100% faith in each others opinions and decisions, yet our thoughts on politics are drastically different.

i can't even begin to describe how happy i am that i am going to be in georgia so very soon with chris and eliz. this is something i have needed to do for quite some time. i cannot believe it has been over a year since i saw them in person. i cannot even believe that me and eliz are no longer smokers!!! (yay to us!). that in itself is such a huge change. when the three of us were roommates, elizabeth and i would stay up until 4 or 5am on nights chris was working, and we would sit on the stairs on smoke so many cigarettes that sometimes we would have to head out to buy some more! things sure have changed. i need a break. i need some time to relax, some time to have fun, some time away from work. my life has been defined by work lately, and i need to rejuvenate or i'm going to crash.

here is my problem. it's selfish. i had this whole idea of a vacation which was all about me, eliz and chris. unfortunately, this will not be the case. chris's brother "moved" to georgia this week (interesting timing) and will be staying with them indefinitely until he gets settled. here is where i admit that The Brother and i dated briefly a few years ago. yeah, it didn't go very well. at all. do i dislike him? no, not at all. The Brother has a problem with understanding the difference between reality and his perception of reality. he has a good heart and good intentions, but i just feel like that is a chapter which is closed in my life. now of course i understand that because eliz and chris and i are so close, The Brother will always be around. that's fine- i could see him at family gatherings, holidays, etc. BUT The Brother is a resident of rhode island, not georgia and i haven't taken any time for myself for too long. i don't want to share eliz and chris with him. i've picked up and moved down south. i understand what that process is like. i think The Brother could have easily waited a few weeks and got his life in order up here before going down there. i just don't want to have to cater to him or walk on eggshells around him, and that is exactly what it is going to be like. even in writing this right now. i feel bad; i don't want to hurt The Brother's feelings. i know if chris were reading this, he would be upset (which makes sense because he obviously loves his brother) and that isn't my intention. i just want to escape with my friends and leave my past and my present stress behind.

i feel like such a negative nellie...

i think this very well may be my favorite quote of the evening: brokaw "hey, i'm
just the hired help!"

i also think the best question posed was: "what don't you know, and how will you learn it." from peggy in NH. i think this is something i would like to hear a well presented argument from each candidate on. i remember in college when i wrote papers, i knew there were certain points i needed to make and organized my argument appropriately. i propose both mccain and obama write papers on this question. ha. i think the honest answers would make this presidential election very clear for voters.

basically, my only suggestion for voters would be to vote for the person you truly trust. everyone has their own opinions on who would be the best person for the position, but in a situation like we are in right now, where so many people do not trust our current president, it is majorly important to have our new leader be as trustworthy as possible.

i'm getting my haircut on friday, and i am very excited about this. i hope my hopes aren't too high. i don't want to be disappointed. i just remember how much i liked my hair last year and i need a change of style right now. so hopefully all goes well.

i love my dog. she is my favorite political advisor.