i am tired. i want to go to freestones and have a margarita and feta brushetta, but no one to go with. i am in love with those two items on their menu. if i had a designated driver, i would love to attend an "all you can eat feta brushetta and pomegranate margarita" night.

i'm irritable. i have a lot of opinions today, and i am not sure if i should share them or keep them to myself.

i've had so many people talk to me about the status of our economy today. most of which have asked me my opinion on the current state of affairs. this is one conversation i am not really interested in conversing about today. do i think it is important? absolutely. do i think that this is a conversation which more and more people should actually be having? you betcha. just not me. not today.

all i can think about is feta brushetta and pomegranate margaritas.

i really want to go to grad school, but obviously not enough. when i want something i get it. i don't even have the applications. the problem honestly is fear. i am afraid to write. i put a lot of myself into majoring in writing in college, and not getting accepted to the graduate schools i applied to was a major wake up for me. i will be extremely forthright and state that i do believe my writing portfolio was pretty pathetic- although i sent it out anyway. it was a half-ass application. i knew it and they knew it. it was the best letdown i've ever experienced in my life. i needed a change. i needed a chance to view the world as what it was, not what i assumed it was while i was going full speed on an empty tank.

so i guess that leads me to this very moment. i guess i kind of stopped writing once i graduated. i wasn't running away from it, i just didn't realize i had left it behind. i didn't write in virginia (i did write 2 haiku's) i didn't write when i moved back to ri.ma. i barely even wrote in my journal. maybe a handful of half-ass entries. i've been thinking long and hard for a while now of what i would like to do with my life. i know i absolutely want to be a writing professor at a college or university. in order to do so, i need to get my MFA in writing. in order to do that, i need to apply to schools. in order to do that, i need to provide a writing sample. this all leads me to my current conundrum. writer + no material = denial to graduate programs.

i've become a lot less interested in fiction since getting my bachelors. i still love to read my nicholas sparks or jodi picoult and just about everything else, but i feel one hundred percent stunted in ideas for my own fiction writing. i believe my two interests are: poetry and creative non-fiction. both of which i have limited education in. i think i write some great poetry, but i cannot actually remember the last poem i have written. when it comes to creative non-fiction, don't get me wrong- i have quite the stories to tell (give me a margarita or two and you'll be sad you did). but i have never written an autobiographical short story, etc. now, if i were you, and i were reading this blog, i would have quite a few opinions right about now. i would say:

"you've seriously got to be kidding me, little erin. enough stories about having no experience writing in those genres, just start doing it! you will never write if you don't start, and you are never going to get into graduate school if you don't write! stop making up all these excuses and stop whining. get to work"

(does this blog technically count as creative non-fiction? okay, pushing my luck.)

slightly moving on, but only technically changing the subject. when i originally started writing this blog, i wanted to vent about the reasons i am irritable today. one of those reasons is "The Ex". no, wait. i am not irritable because of him at all. i am just irritable in general, and wanted to share a story which happens to be about him. but i couldn't figure out how to start.

i was so worried about being honest on my blog. i worried about what he would think when he read it. would he be angry? would he be sad? i worried who else would read it. what would his mom think or his friends or his (formally known as the) ex-girlfriend?

and then i realized it... i really do not care. i mean this is no vengeful way at all. i think The Ex is a great person. i had a good time with him for much of the relationship, but while we were together, i spent quite a bit of time caring. about what he thought, what his friends thought, what was happening with our relationship, what he felt, what he wanted...blah, blah, blah. i can't pretend that he didn't care about me at all. i know he did. but he never really did want to care, or at least he never put in the effort to care. this all being said: i guess our past frees my future. i don't have to worry about his or anyone else's opinion of me anymore. like the dr. suess quote so wisely states:

"be who you are, and say how you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

here is the problem. i can state all those things, and firmly believe them. but will i put them in effect?

(disclaimer to the ex: i am very sorry if i hurt your feelings at any point. it isn't my intention to make you into the 'bad guy' or paint a flawed picture of you. but everything i write is coming from my perception, and i simply can't edit my perception anymore in order to keep anyone else happy. i wish you the best)

now that i've wasted quite a bit of time putting up caution tape and making excuses for my feelings, lets move on!

i've learned some information about The Ex and his (formerly known as the) ex-girlfriend. it appears that as soon as our love boat sank, she fished him right out of the pond. what i meant to say was: after HER loveboat with whomever else sank, she secretly swam by our already capsizing blow up raft and punctured a huge hole in it...just as soon as it began to sink, she lured him away like Ursula does in the little mermaid. (only in this story, i believe 'Prince' Ex and Devious Octopus Wench very well may belong together) now The Ex and his ex seem to be building their own love boat.

in all honesty, when i first learned of this (from someone posing as his friend, by the way) i was hurt. it was like a slap in the face. i was mad at him. not because they were together, though. i was mad because toward the end of our relationship his ex did/said some very, very, very unclassy and spiteful things. all of which were hurtful and embarrassing. i would have honestly believed The Ex to be a much better judge of character, and cut ties with someone who acted as she did, but i guess it just made her more attractive to him. how? i have no clue. but i guess that speaks volumes about him, her and their relationship.

it all led me to believe that in the "sex and the city" world i live in (in my head- i know). that she is The Ex's Mr. Big. I was his Aidan. Our relationship was simply a raft, on a rocky river, wading the tide until Miss (formerly known as the) ex-girlfriend swam back to him.

when i thought this. i laughed hysterically. no really. i laughed and laughed and laughed some more. all this laughing reminded me of how happy i have been in the past two months. all of the laughing reminded me how little i laughed prior to those two months. and all this analyzing just forced me to laugh some more. i may have even snorted. and i laughed about this with trisha, so we all know- if i didn't laugh hard enough to snort... she sure as hell did for me!

when i regained composure, i realized it was all O-K-A-Y. The Ex is happy with Miss (formerly known as the) Ex-girlfriend. that is good. he deserves to be happy. they are in a relationship. that is good...because it makes me giggle. and the best part? i don't have to worry about either of them any longer. i wish them the best and wish them away all at the same time.

it was absolutely beautiful to recognize that i could feel upset for a moment because i felt "betrayed" which is normal. while just a few moments later realize that it all didn't make a difference anymore. i had already moved on with my life. i was grateful for all of the circumstances which led me here. now. that. is. a. nice. feeling.

because i love to laugh. and i deserve to laugh. and i will laugh.